[The Chronicles of Elizabeth] – Are You Worried About What Other People Think About You? – Episode 29

“I am a little besides myself. I was at a family gathering last weekend and I had a conversation with an Uncle of mine and it left me feeling rather disturbed.

“Yeah?”

“Well, he is my Godfather and my closet uncle. I mean, I love him to death. As a child, he was my pediatrician and I grew up with him always around. I always admired him and somehow always craved his approval.”

“OK!”

“And so he asks me how is work and I tell him that I have decided to accept the severance package and I am working on my own business. And he asks me, ‘Why in the world would you start your own business? Doing what? You are not qualified to start a business. What you need to do is get another job. I know the economy is tough but it takes a lot to start your own business.’ And he goes on and on about how he as always held a job at the teaching hospital and not everybody is built to have their own business.”

“And this upset you?”

“Yes! It disheartened me at first but then I realized that I was allowing my self esteem to be affected by his opinion of me. If I had not just spent 10 days at a yoga camp, I probably would have cried!”

“Well, does his opinion of you matter?”

[pause]

“Yes, it does matter!”

“Ok, let us play with this. Why?”

“Well, he represents that traditional world, that left brain world that says you get a job and keep the job and be a ‘company’ man. That is the sensible thing to do. And I am sure that he feels as a woman, I should keep my options open. He is smart. He is a genius at what he does and he does not understand this follow your passion thingy that we are talking about!”

“And?”

“And that hurts that I do not have his approval. I want his approval. Isn’t that the stupidest thing you have ever heard?”

“Excuse me! You are not allowed to refer to my client as stupid.”

“Huh?”

“You are my client Elizabeth and I will not allow anyone to be abusive of my client. Including you! Calling yourself stupid is self abuse!”

“O! Sorry!”

[Laughter]

“Now, it is not stupid that you want your Uncle’s approval. Let us go over this.
So that generation, they came out of the Great Depression. That period generated great fear and triggered everyone’s survival instinct. Just visualize those long lines for food. The former middle class was virtually eliminated and made poor. I remember my mother telling me how her mother, who was a New York City School teacher was the only one who had a job in her extended family and with her teacher salary, she sent money to her relatives out West every month.”

“Wow! Yeah. You are right, their parents lived through the Depression.”

“And so, our parents, watching their parents go through such a thing, it was ingrained in them to get an education and that education was the way to not get pooor. After all, if you look at my grandmother, she was educated and had a job during that time. So the kids, our parents generation, were taught you must have a skill or trade and the more education you have with it the better.”

“Yeah!”

“After going through such a horrendous survival experience, they wanted to make sure the future generation do not go through the same thing. So they drilled it into our lineage to go for safety and security. And that is what your uncle represents.”

“O boy!  That makes sense! So what do I do with that?”

“Well, first of all, know that that mindset is fine and wonderful for many people. But it is the mindset of ‘Do Not Be Poor!’ Not necessarily a mindset of ‘Go for the gold or Follow Your Passion.’ Also, just be aware that it is normal reaction from those that perceive you as breaking away from the tribe.”

“The tribe?”

“Yes, your family and your community represents a tribe. And any time you break away from the tribe, or you do not follow the rules of the tribe, two things happen:
1 – The tribe will try and pull you back in by any means necessary because of the strong tribal belief that believes in safety in numbers.
2 – You will feel like a fish out of water as you pick up on the subtle ways that the tribe is quietly ostracizing you.”

“I think my yoga teacher discussed something along these lines with regards to the chakras. Do you know about that?”

“Excellent Elizabeth! The first chakra  is our root chakra. The values we hold dear about our sense of belonging, that primordial need to belong to the tribe, that sense of acceptance and rootedness; the energy of all those values are held in that first chakra and doing specific yoga poses can help you release any tension regarding these issues.”

“I get it! All this is now coming together. So what do I do with this?”

“Well, the most important thing is to feel your feelings. Don’t deny them and make friends with them. You are leaving the tribe in a sense, so get very ok with it. When you are ok with it, you will not need the approval of the tribe any longer. Make peace with it. You are thinking outside the box of your tribe but you are still there; you are still part of your tribe and you will be fine. You are taking more risk but you can afford to take more risk. You are doing it in a safe way.”

“Phew! You are right.”

“When you understand where your Uncle is really coming from, you can have compassion for him. You may even want to grieve leaving the tribe, if you feel any sense of grief about it. Do you?”

“Yeah, like we have talked about, I miss the label of the company name and the look in people’s eyes that tell me they are impressed with my job!”

[Laughter]

“Well, Elizabeth, that is why what your Uncle said triggered you: There was some of that in you already. You were not totally ok with leaving the tribe and the name of your company and your job title represent your high status in the tribe. You want to acknowledge all of your feelings about it.”

“O boy! I see it now. OK. Now, I am really amused! I am laughing at myself. OK, tribe, I am a big girl. I will be OK. Life is good and all is well. Thanks Uncle David. I love you and the lesson I am learning from you! I love you so much! Thank you!”

“You are going to find that he will be your biggest ally in all this! In the meantime, just remember that Uncle David means well and he loves you and wants the best for you and he is giving you the best advice he is capable of!”

“I bet!”

Please listen to this audio: http://www.coachiyabo.com/audio-boo/you-are-perfect.php

Today, your Inner Genius Tip:  “Do not underestimate your need to belong. You can belong to the tribe and still be yourself.”

Zen!

Journal Entry

This 10 day yoga retreat is so good. I am on day five and I am glad I gifted myself that. My head feels clear and I am looking forward to this second part of my life. I truly feel that I am on an adventure.

I am so surprised how ideas come to me in the middle of doing yoga poses. I loved the fact that I am away and eating healthy and away from every one I knew. I really have not make phone calls. It is almost a silent retreat. I am doing hours of yoga every day. Massages, hot tub time, hot stone massages. I am committing to filling up an entire journal.

Boy, if this is what self love feels like, I am truly in love with myself!

I can’t wait to focus on my business only and not be pulled by the responsibilities of the job.

I am thinking about the consulting gigs and keeping my options open just to see if I need that to supplement my income. However the severance package diminishes significantly if I take in any income. So this is the time to really invest my time and energy in the educational program.

Iyabo says to make a list of my values and how I want them to reflect in my business. This is a really cool exercise. I know certain things are important to me but I have never focused on my values too much.  I am also discovering that what I thought are my values are not really in my best interest.

For instance, I always thought that being industrious or working hard is one of my core values but then I realized that is tied into “I have to work extremely hard to make a lot of money.”  Work does not have to be hard. It is not OK to just keep working harder and harder every day and some how that is supposed to be a good thing. That feels like self-flagellation. It used to feel good before but now it does not.

So I am aware that some of my values are social responsibility, leadership, accomplishment.  I discovered I had lost touch with imagination, being connected, originality. When I do yoga, I feel more connected with my body and after yoga, I am more open to connecting with others.

O boy, talk about connecting with others! There is this cutie in my dawn yoga classes. Can you believe that I am taking a dawn Yoga class? He is very good looking. He has a very muscular body to be doing yoga. He looks more like a football player and a yogi! He has smiled at me a couple of times and it scares me because boy, my heart beats so hard.

I guess I have put dating on the back burner for some time and now that I am in these relaxing surroundings I am feeling all stirred up again. I can be so immune to the men around me because I am always focused on work. But what happened was I was doing a deep yoga pose and I was trying to clear my mind but I was thinking about values and suddenly, I got this reminder that one of my core values from childhood was being connected.

I remember as a kid, I had pen pals all over the world. We exchanged gifts and cards all the time. We wrote each other long letters and I enjoyed having a pen pal on each continent. I kept track of everyone’s birthdays. I made cards for christmas for all my aunts and uncles and cousins. As I got older, I would call even distant relatives on their birthdays.

Anyway, I digress….

So, I am doing this yoga pose and this value came up and I actually cried. I actually felt that I was not connected to others as I was as a child. When I was done with that, as I walked away from the class, cutie pie smiled at me.

OMG! What if he saw me crying? Now he thinks I am a wuss!

How embarrassing!

Anyway, the point is that I am reconnecting with my values and I want to make sure they are showing up in my business.

After working in corporate for as long as I did, and watching the financial industry tank, I feel very strongly about business adding to the value of the community. Everyone in corporate said this was a pipe dream but I know companies that are doing it. I have to make sure this is the core of my business.

I have to face it, I am a leader. I have lead teams for over fifteen years. I love the mentoring component of the work I have done. I love helping geeks that have no concept of anything other than their technical skills to think about their careers and the big splash they could be making. I love partnering with them. They easily allow me to lead because I juggle a lot of things at the same time. I love the creativity and innovation   that I experience with technology and I really love being original in what I put out. I do want to make sure that I work with a closely connected team.

You know the more I think about it, the more I am excited about doing educational things for kids with technology. Kids are so darn smart! I get so excited to think I can impact education of kids. Yes, that really gets me excited.

Please listen to this audio: http://www.coachiyabo.com/grow

Your Inner Genius Tip:  “Your values are you. Infuse your business with your values and you will attract like minded clientele!”

Decisions! Decisions!!

“Iyabo, I made a decision! I did exactly what you said. I kept a notebook and something fascinating happened. Every time the stuff about work and the decision I had to make came to my mind, I decided to just look around me and look for something that I liked. I kept paying attention to my feelings. I felt guilty that I was ignoring those feelings of dread, but just within a couple of days, I had page after page of positive things about me and about things I like.”

“Perfect! Tell me more!”

“Then, I spoke to my accountant and I was still not feeling settled about the whole thing. So after that I decided to go to my favorite restaurant for lunch.”

“Yummy! Follow your feel good.”

“Well, lo and behold, my boss’s boss came in and there were no seats around and he decided to seat with me!”

“Wow! Coincidence?”

“Hey, I figured this was somehow perfect so I start talking to him about everything under the sun except work. We had a great conversation and then towards the end, he asked me if I had made any decisions about my severance package.”

“I told him that I had not made a decision but I was curious if he had ever faced this type of decision in his career and what criteria did he use to resolve this issue. He loved the question. I was not combative at all and I did not blame him or the company for what had happened. I really just wanted to get inside the mind of an astute leader like him.”

“Ohhhhhh! Very smart!”

“He told me that he had been faced with this situation twice in his career and one time he did take the severance package and the second time, being in management, he chose to help the company downsize in a humane way because he did not like how he was treated the first time.”

“Hmm….”

“So I chose to have a frank discussion with him about the various options I was considering. I told him I was too scared to just walk away and the grief I felt with the loss of identity of the company. I told him that I really wanted to start my own business but I was too scared to do it all at once.”

“He was so kind. He talked about my work. Then he gave me the idea to work as an independent consultant as well as pursue owning my own business. He felt that I could outsource my project management skills as an independent contractor. He was so supportive. He said this is the time to start a business while I am still young, no kids and no major commitments.”

“Interesting!”

“He said that in another six months, after the layoffs were done, that the company would hire independent contractor project managers. He said to speak to HR to make sure that there is NOT a non compete clause in my severance package as they tend to put those clauses in there automatically.”

“Awesome!”

“Finally, he gave me the name of two people to contact that are his peers at other companies to source Independent Consultant work from them. And, right there at the table he got on the phone and called them and asked them to look out for my call.”

[Laughter]

“A couple of days later, as I was getting my head together, he personally walked over to my desk and told me of another company that was looking for project manager consultants. And, he handed me his own letter of recommendation for me.”

“Wow! Wow! Wow! O My Gosh! Elizabeth, I have chills running up and down my spine.”

“Yes! I am so excited. I feel so Zen like. I do not know if I am going to pursue all of this.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the time I spent appreciating myself helped me get even clearer on pursuing my business goals. I have no problem doing the consulting but for no more than 20 hours a week. I did take the severance package but you know what, it was not even a big deal. It really did not make a whole lot of difference to me at the end of the day. I had a lot of peace about it and I got sick of being in limbo and I went for it.”

“Are Congratulations in order? Am I hearing you say you took the severance package?”

“Yes, I did! Thank you. I told my family and friends and they were all worried for me but I am so Zen like about the whole thing that they are not too worried about me. Everyone seems to think that I will land on my feet regardless.”

“Well, what do you think?”

“Absolutely, I am good. I am fine. I am peaceful about it.”

“I am going to take off a couple of weeks and not do much of anything. I want to go to a yoga retreat and journal a lot and really get clear on my next thing. O, and by the way, the stuff with the lady and the educational games, is moving forward!”

“Elizabeth, do you see this coaching relationship having taken a bend in the road?”

“What do you mean?”

“The culmination of all our coaching so far has come to a head. What you want is now within your reach and you have spent all this time, learning how to get into this space. Now you are in the space of creating powerfully. You see how it all fell into place and how non-dramatic it all is?”

“Yes! That was the surprising thing.”

“Well, that is because you have been consistently doing the work and it appears to be like an overnight success but you have been working hard at being a masterful creator. I am proud of you.

“Why Thank You!”

“Elizabeth, please listen to this audio about Business Tribal Leadership.”

Your Inner Genius Tip: “Synchronicity is not a coincidence. Follow the breadcrumbs that synchronicity creates.”

Think Outside The Box!

“Hello Elizabeth!”

“Hi there! Well, I have been looking forward to this call. So much has happened since we last talked.”

“Really? What is going on?”

“Well, my company has invited me to take a layoff package.”

“Wow!”

“Well, yeah! I do not have to take it. They are going to make layoffs but they are inviting certain positions to go ahead and take a more generous package now. It is kind of like taking an early retirement. If I take it as an early retirement package, there may be some tax consequences so I have an appointment to see my accountant to go over the figures. If I don’t take the package, I could get laid off with a much lesser financial cushion.”

“Wow, Again! OK! How are you processing all this?”

“Well, I am scared. I have spent a few sleepless nights and I am truly panicked but there is a calm somewhere in me. This is the funny thing. I keep thinking that I am upset about the loss of my salary but if the truth be told, I am more upset at the loss of my job!”

“Really? Tell me more about that.”

“Well, I think of myself as a company girl. I started working for this company right out of college. I have climbed up the ladder. They sent me for my MBA and I feel like one of those people that they say their name is “Jane IBM Doe.” My entire identity is wrapped around my job in this company. I am having a really hard time letting go of that. Who am I without the company as a backdrop?”

“Hmmm….”

“I mean who AM I without the company name as the affirmation of my professional success?”

“You are an awesome woman of wisdom, resource and strength with or without the company.”

[Silence] [Tears]

“I wish I believed that, Iyabo.”

“Well, just take it in.  Breathe and allow yourself to feel those feelings fully. There was life before this company and there will be life after this company. Now, there is a natural tendency to grieve the loss of what you have known all these years. There is a safety and an identity you have working for that company. It has had a lot of good to it so of course, there is some grief about possibly not working for the company any more.”

“Yes but it is more than that.  I think I do not know who I am outside of this company. My friends refer to me as my job. My parents think the world of me because I have such a prestigious job. When I discussed my business ideas with them, they were mildly amused and felt it was fine to pursue as long as I do not quit my job!”

“I can relate. When my father was alive, one day I was with him and someone asked what I did and I said, ‘I am a lawyer.’ My dad said, ‘No she is not a lawyer. She merely practices law.’ From that day forward, I became aware that my entire identity was totally wrapped up in the label ‘lawyer.’ “

“Yikes!”

“Now, that I have completely let go of that title of lawyer, it is no big deal. I actually laugh about it but before I did, it was quite painful! I was scared to explore who I was behind that facade of ‘lawyer’ and what I discovered is that I was afraid of discovering who I was. I was never taught how to explore myself! However, now after years of therapy, every self help book on the shelf, coaching, my faith, prayer and the love and support of my loved ones, I feel pretty kosher about myself!”

“Phew! I feel relief just hearing that.”

“I want you to realize that removing your labels is probably the biggest gift you can give yourself. Life is not in a box. It is ever expanding, ever reaching and ever growing. Growth is your natural state. Growth is always a wonderful thing.”

“Remove my labels?”

“Yes!”

“How?”

“Well, here is the thing. You do not just take them off and walk around emotionally naked and fragile. What you do, is you discover your identity from in the inside out and allow it to thrive and support it with affirmations, meditations and prayer.”

“Where do I start?”

“Start by loving yourself. All the parts of you. The you that you know and you that you do not know.  Would some homework around this feel good to you?”

“Absolutely!”

“Get a new notebook and keep it nearby at all times. Write in it when you discover something new about yourself. Watch your patterns. Make sure that you are aware of what gets you excited: TV shows, food, drink, colors, etc. Write them down. Find thing, especially non-work related stuff, to celebrate about yourself. Invest in appreciating you.”

“It sounds good and everything but this helps me how?”

“This helps you by turning on your awareness and turning it inward. It is all about appreciating and loving you. Remember what you appreciate appreciates. This entire exercise is about turning on an internal switch of seeing your personal value without the encumbrances of external labels.”

“I still do not get how this helps me get over the loss of my identity intertwined with that company.”

“You see, you are thinking that you have to make this huge dramatic switch like jump over to the next label and I am trying to help you see that the need to have a label is the problem in and of itself.”

“Ok! I just had an ‘aha’ moment! Bingo! I get it.”

“So the point is this: Whether you take the layoff package or not, you will be fine. Get fine with either option before you make a decision!”

“Elizabeth, please listen to this audio on What You Identify With.“

Today, your Inner Genius Tip #14 is “Appreciation is a habit that creates amazing results.”

Salary Mindset?

“So how is the educational stuff for kids coming?”

“Really, really good. I am excited. We have a meeting with a lawyer next week and the lawyer is to draft an agreement between us. Since she intends on splitting profits with me, we are going to have to address that in a contract.”

“Excellent! How are you feeling?”

“Well, I am excited but I am scared.”

“Why?”

“Because we are talking partnership here and all of a sudden, I am marrying someone I do not know!”

“Marrying?”

“Yes, this is a partnership and how can I partner with her when I do not know her. I mean, what if she does not do her part. I am just more comfortable being paid to do a job at a set price.”

“Hmmmm…..Did I hear you say, you are more comfortable being paid to do a job at a set price?”

“Yes!”

“I am wondering if that is a limiting belief.”

“Well, I want to know that I am being paid what I agreed to be paid.”

“OK, no problem but is that safety zone allowing you to explore different options for bringing in money?”

“Hmmmmm…. I never looked at it that way.”

“Well, it seems to me that you may be limiting the various ways that money can come in. Let us talk about why you consider this partnership a marriage. What is your take on business partnerships?”

“Well, I know to be extremely cautious and I know to think of it as serious as a marriage.”

“OK, let me give you a different perspective. Lawyers commonly form business partnerships and in such a partnership, you are in a marriage like relationship for many years until the partnership is dissolved.”

“Yeah, that is how I feel.”

“Well, a partnership like that is different from a joint-venture. Do you know what a joint venture is?”

“No. I have heard of it but, I never examined it.”

“Well, a joint venture is like going on a specific date or a weekend away with a new boyfriend. With a joint venture, you and someone agree to undergo one project. If you choose to undergo different projects, each project requires new negotiation. It is all about collaboration where you are interdependent. You are independent, yet you come together to collaborate on a new project and make music together.”

“Wow! That explanation makes me feel better about it. It is like an extended date instead of a marriage! Cool. I can do that.”

“OK, great. How do you feel about money coming in from a variety of sources.”

“Well, when you say it, it sounds good but I have always had a paycheck. Money comes to me in three ways: my paycheck, tax refund and interest from my investments. Period!”

“OK, cool. Would you like money to come in from royalties from a book company?”

“Yes. If I can think of a book to write!”

“Would you like money to come in from multiple recurrent customers that pay you a specific amount each and every month?”

“Yes! Absolutely!”

“Would you like money to come in from say Itunes for a paid podcast that you host on there?”

“O, now that is a great idea!”

“So would you like to collaborate with someone else and you manage the money and you get to cut the other person a check!”

“Huh! Pay someone else?”

“Yes, with a joint venture either one of you manage the money or you hire a joint venture broker who handles the money and make disbursements on the file. In fact, instead of seeing a lawyer, you may want to consider a reputable joint venture broker that manages the project for you. The person should be able to give you a large picture marketing model for it too.”

“Wow! OK, I can see how I do not need a lawyer. I will ask her about a joint venture broker and I will research it.”

“Please do. This week, Elizabeth, I want you to really play with how money can come to you. Make a list. Think of everything. Writing books, blogging, writing magazine articles, public speaking, audio programs, etc. Every single thing. Think of how billboards bring in money to businesses. As you drive down the street, look at different businesses and imagine how they create multiple ways of generating cash.”

“OK.”

“For instance, a gas station. They sell gas,  lottery tickets, coffee, junk food, sandwiches, cold drinks, and even cigarettes. That is what I call multiple streams of income. And, you also get to pay to vacuum your car out or put air in your tires.”

“I see that!  Cool. I will do that.”

“Now, to summarize, I want you to know that you came to this transaction with this lady from a salary mindset. I want you to let go of that salary mindset and focus on developing more of the entrepreneurial mindset about money and multiple sources of income.”

“I love that. I am developing an entrepreneurial money mindset!”

“Elizabeth, please watch this video on The Anti Wealth Mindset.

Today, your Inner Genius Tip: “Develop an Entrepreneur Money Mindset!”

Are You Ready To Jump Into The Deep End of The Pool?
Episode #23

Jump Into The Deep End!

“Iyabo, I have so much good news to tell you.  I am so excited. I was at an art show and I was speaking to one of the patrons of this event. I go to it every year. I told her about my career change. Anyway, the long and short of it is she introduced me to someone who knew someone who was working on smartphone apps for kids.”

“Smart phone apps for kids?”

“Yes! Think about it. Kids are always grabbing their parents phones and they love the buttons and the sounds and so some educational companies are trying to cash in on this and create apps specifically for kids to learn ABC’s and 123’s.”

“O!”

“Well, this lady had the idea and she wanted me to just consult with her and be her technical partner. Everything is moving so fast. I am so excited! This is for an interactive educational game.”

“O boy! OK, breathe! This is good.”

“Well, I am just shocked as to how this fell in my lap.  She is talking about a 50%-50% split after costs.”

“Well, I am not shocked! You have been working on this for some time. This is what happens when you are clear on what you want.”

“I was not clear that I wanted to work on educational apps for kids!”

“Well, you may not have been clear on that but you were clear that you wanted to contribute and you wanted this as an expression of your life work. You were also clear that you wanted to launch this business fully before you quit your job. Am I missing anything?”

“Well, you are right. Nothing is missing but I do not feel totally ready.”

[LOL]

“Let me tell you a story. When I was a kid, my family went swimming every Sunday. In Africa, this was such a luxury as only the big hotels had swimming pools. As Lagos is directly on the Atlantic ocean and the beach is very wild, we went to a big hotel each Sunday. So as a kid, I would swim in the shallow end of the pool with my dad. I was a fish. I could swim under water and I could swim from one side of the pool to the other. I had this red bathing suit with blue piping all around it. On Sundays, I lived in the water!”

“Cute! I can just see you now.”

“And so one day, Daddy and I got finished swimming and we were walking back to where my mom was and as we came up to the deep end, he picked me up and threw me in the pool. In the deep end!”

“Woah!”

“I panicked. I gulped. I looked at him and I remember semi drowning and seeing him keep walking. I thought something bad had happened and he did not notice. Then, on another gulp of air, I saw him turn slightly and he had this mischievous grin on his face.  And then he said, ‘Swim, Iyabo. You can do it. I am not coming to get you.’ And he moved further away from the pool. I remember this clear as day. I was probably five or six. I was in shock!”

“O, my Gosh!”

“Guess what? My body remembered. All of a sudden, I kicked and started swimming towards the side. And I got there and when I got there, my dad was there and he helped me out the pool. I drank a couple of gallons of water and he patted me on the back and told me I was a good girl. He told me that if he did not do that, I would have stayed in the shallow end of the pool forever. He reminded me that my mom did not swim yet she could float. He asked me if that was all I wanted to do. He said, ‘The deep end is for big girls. Are you a big girl?’”

[LOL]

“Well, I had survived a toss into the deep end and so I was a big girl! So now, Elizabeth, are you a big girl? Business is for big girls. Are you ready?”

“Well, since you put it that way….”

“OK, look at it this way. You started a business and the goal is for it to turn a profit.”

“Yeah, but at this point, Iyabo, I will be satisfied if I just get the experience.”

“Experience? How long have you had a job? You are underselling yourself. This is about having a business and creating a monetary profit as reflected by the great value you provide. You may just love doing it, which is called philanthropy. Or, it may even be a hobby where it makes some money but not enough to sustain you. A business is totally different. A business is measured by profit.  So Elizabeth, philanthropy, hobby or business?”

‘Yikes! I feel like I am on the hot seat.”

“Yes, girl. So sh*t or get off the pot! It is time!”

[LOL]

“Ok, I feel you pushing me into the deep end of the pool!”

“I only push because I know you are ready and I am here to jump in and help you to the side if you need it but I have every confidence that you do not need it. I am very relaxed and assured about you!”

“Thank you!”

“If you think about it Elizabeth, there is nothing holding you back but fear itself.”

“OK! Here goes….”

Today, your Inner Genius Tip: “Be willing to take that next step in your business. Think big and do big”

“Hey Little lady! What is your story?”

“O, boy, I am delighted to be on this call with you. Something is bugging me! But this is coaching for my business so I guess I will put that on hold.”

“OK, Elizabeth!  Everything is connected and everything is related. I am sure there are some business goodies in there. Let it rip!”

“Well, I have this friend that I have known forever.”

“O, Your BFF?”

“No, not my BFF. This is someone that I just know very well and we have known each other forever and I cannot say that I enjoy being with her all the time, but you know, she is my friend.”

“And….?”

“Well, she always insists on getting together and my time is getting where I do not like to spend a lot of time doing social stuff because I try to spend my evenings working on my app creation.”

“OK?”

“Well, every time she calls and wants to get together for drinks or shopping, which, by the way is three or four times a week, and I tell her that I am busy working on my stuff, she says stuff like: ‘O, its like that. huh? You  have changed! You used to enjoy doing stuff together? I am glad I am not like you. You are a workaholic….’ “

“Wow! That does not sound like it feels good.”

“Well, I have been trying to not blow up or say anything I regret but I am pissed off. Here I am trying to do something with my life and just because it is not convenient for my friend, I am made out to feel like the bad guy here. I feel like a victim!”

“Nice!”

“You are so weird. I say I feel like a victim and you say ‘nice!’ “

“Nice. because you are so in touch with how you feel and identifying how you feel about stuff like this is the first step to getting over it. So tell me more about this victimmy thing.”

“Well, I feel that I have to please everyone and juggle everything. I do not want to walk away from my friend but I do not like feeling blackmailed and pressured to go out for a drink.”

“Well, let me tell you something Oprah said. She said something like, ‘When someone asks you to do something and you say no, and the person refuses to accept your no and instead tries to convince you to do what they want, it has gone from a request to control.’  So, does this feel like control?”

“Yes! Absolutely!”

“OK, you know that when it comes to control, you are in charge, right?”

“Well, I just feel like it is not worth it to tell her as I know it will hurt her feelings.”

“OK, one more saying: If you do not set boundaries, you will build walls.”

“Yeah! I do feel ready to build walls. I have to cut her off!”

“Do you? Have to cut her off?”

“Well, she is putting pressure on me.”

“Is she? Or did you not set a clear boundary at the appropriate time?”

“Hmmm… I guess I did not see it that way.  I mean, I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

“Why is standing up for yourself and setting a healthy boundary hurting someone else’s feelings? Remember, you come first. You cannot help anyone else until you have taken care of yourself.”

“Wow! I did not see that.”

“Well, what have you told her about your business?”

“I have told her that I am doing this business and it is time consuming and there is a lot of opportunity for me.”

“Did you carry her along when you first got started?”

“What do you mean?”

“When you started out, did you say to her something along the lines of: Hey girlfriend, Listen, I am starting a business because I do not want to be stuck in corporate forever. I have discovered parts of myself that have gotten really excited about creating apps and I owe it to myself to follow through and do something about it.”

“Nicely said, Iyabo!”

“You can also say: It appears that I am going to be very busy and I want to tell you in advance that I want your help.”

“Really?”

“Yes, and then you can ask her to check on you and make sure she drags you out of the house once a month or once a week. Whatever works for you.”

“O, boy, she would love that. OK, since I did not say that in the beginning, what do I say now?”

“You try it. Sink into your heart and into your belly and speak from that place, not from the place of anger and frustration but from the place that you have shared memories that are important to you.”

“OK, here goes. ‘Hey, girlfriend! Listen, there is something I want to discuss with you. I am really excited about my business and I am making huge progress. I am excited that I      may be able to quit my jobs one of these days and be a full time entrepreneur.”

“Hmmm….”

“And I want to make sure that I preserve what is good between us. I do not have the time or even the mental wherewithal to party and drink like we always have. I really want to focus on this business at this time in my life. But I do not want you to feel that I do not care for you or that I do not cherish our friendship. I do care.”

“Nice!”

“Boy, I am surprised how good that feels and how powerful I feel.”

“Now, what you just said, does that feel victimmy?”

“No way! It feels powerful. I feel that this is more of the truth of how I feel than ‘I am pissed!’”

“Very nice, now let us take this a step further. In what ways do you feel like a victim in your business?”

“Phew! O boy! Wow! That hit like a ton of bricks. What if they do not like my apps? What if technology changes? What if I fail? I feel subject to unknown variables out there.”

“Is that true? That you are subject to unknown variables out there?”

“I guess not. Well, I am very good about researching and making sure that I keep up with technology and now that I think about it, I am particularly obsessed with trends in technology. So I can easily update what I am doing. I have been known to predict technology trends. Wow! that feels much better.”

“Very nicely done. In this conversation, you have experienced victimmy feelings and powerful feelings right?”

“Yes!”

“So, that is how easily you can identify what is going on and how you can pivot and turn it around.  Just give yourself permission to let go of the baggage and take on empowering and supportive emotions. Nice job Elizabeth!”

Today, your Inner Genius Tip #12 is “Emotional baggage shows up even in your business. Let it go. It is not your best and highest self.”

Email from Coach Iyabo to Elizabeth:

Elizabeth, I know you are away with work and I wanted to give you your coaching assignment as you asked so that you can think about it on your long flight and write to your heart’s content.

You know I love the power of writing.

What are your beliefs around security/safety and money?
What is your vision for financial security?
What do you want your money relationship to be with the new business?
How do you want money to show up in your new business?

Email from Elizabeth to Coach Iyabo:

Wow! OK. Big home work.

I am so excited. I managed to schedule this trip to China for work, but I am going to also be meeting with a developer for smartphone apps. So I am excited. My dream is becoming more real.  My website is up and running. My business cards are beautiful.

I had some thoughts come up this week about money and I wanted to write them down.

I have always believed that if I work hard I will make a little bit more than enough. Being a professional was supposed to get me over any potential money hurdles. Having a profession meant that I had a respectable standing in society and that my future was guaranteed.

However, I do not feel that way today. I feel that my entire life has been plagued by money issues. When you say money is your partner, it is so true. Money and the way I relate to money has always been my companion. It has always felt like “not enough.” In high school, it was about raising money for my clothes and how I wanted to look and special school trips.

In college, it was about furnishing my dorm room and having money to go out with my friends over the weekend. It was always an issue what I would do in the summer’s because I had to make money for my own personal expenses.

Then as soon as I got out of college, it was about getting my first apartment and getting a job and a car and then it was about getting funding for graduate school.

I literally can track my life along money lines.  So yes, money has been my partner.

I want to feel more secure about money and I want to find money more reliable as a partner.

So, you asked me to imagine a more productive relationship with my money with my new business venture.

I do not want my business to be focused on how much money I am making. I want my business to be focused on the value that I am delivering. I feel that money has been the measuring stick for everything I have done professionally and I want to change that focus with my business.

I want the issue of money to be a natural for me. I want to feel supported by money and not grasping for money all the time.

I will feel financially secure when:

1.  I am debt-free – I want to pay off all my credit cards and my car before I leave my job and focus fully on my business. I will still have my mortgage but this will bring down my overhead expenses.
2.  I am in control of my expenses – I really want to master living on less money than I bring in.
3.  I consistently increase my savings/assets/net worth on a monthly basis
This is scary to me because I do not see myself being able to save money every single month when I first start the business. I see myself spending money that I have saved.
4.  I preserve my savings and investments. Part of my hesitancy to quit my job and start my business is that this part is scary. I feel that in the short term, I would be risking my savings and investments instead of preserving them.
5.  I build my net worth to five times what I earn annually now.

Phew! It feels scary to put it out there.

Email From Coach Iyabo to Elizabeth:

Awesome! I like it. It is bold and it does feel like a financial security blanket. However, I would encourage you to add item #6 to that list.

Please make that item a non tangible item. This picture of your financial security is solely based on money. Yet there are many things that are out of your control that can affect your financial security. We know that from the recent economic reports.

So, I encourage you to add non traditional things to this picture of your financial security.  For instance, do you think having a daily practice such as meditation and prayer around your money would be beneficial? What affirmations would you use with this?

Email from Coach Iyabo to Elizabeth:

I get it. The first thing that came to my mind was to make ongoing learning part of my financial security. I would like to put aside in my budget, a certain amount of money for ongoing learning. Steven Covey calls it “Sharpening The Saw.” So that would be number 6.

Ongoing learning could look like business classes or tech classes but also retreats and maybe even a trip to Kripalu in Western Massachusetts. I want to be a conscious entrepreneur.

So number 7 will be meditating on the fact that I am safe and secure regardless of what is going on with my money. I like this because when I wrote all that stuff out above, in the previous email, I saw that I am trying to get to a feeling not really an amount.

Ooh, I have another one: Always loving what I do for a living. I can see how it would be easy to make money as long as I love what I do for a living. I like that one. That is number 8.

Wow! I never realized how many other factors go into creating that feeling of safety and security.

I like this affirmation: I always experience safety and security in spite of external circumstances!

What Does Support Looks Like?

“Elizabeth,  let us approach today’s session a little differently. What had the highest emotional charge for you this week?”

“O, that is easy!  It has nothing to do with my business but I got fired up. I bumped into an old friend. Well, not really. I consider her a friend, like a family friend.”

“Yeah?”

“Well, last time I saw her, she said she knew folks who could help me with promoting my business and creating apps for medium to large sized businesses.  So, I followed up with a couple of emails and I did not hear back from her and then I noticed she had unfriended me on Facebook!”

“Wow!”

“Well, I sent her an email in Facebook and asked if she had unfriended me or was it a glitch with Facebook and no answer. So when I bumped into her, I asked her if she had unfriended me or was it a glitch and she told me yes, she had unfriended me!”

“Really!”

“Yes! I was horrified. Well, she went on to say that she was too busy and did not have time to read all the stuff that was in her stream and that she could not relate to people who used Facebook!”

“O, boy!”

“Well, needless to say, I was pissed! Here I am looking to create apps for smart phones and social media sites like Facebook and she says that. I did not show it but I had to pretend it did not bother me and I just told her it was nice seeing her and I would catch up with her another time.”

“OK! So how are you feeling about this?”

“Well, I feel like she hit me below the belt. I felt insulted. I felt totally unsupported. I felt that what I was doing was not worthwhile. And then I got mad at myself. Why I am feeling all these things from someone I really do not know that well? If it were my mom or dad saying something like that, then fine. But not this person I see four times a year max!”

“Phew! Breathe deeply. Take three deep breaths.  Now, what is this really about?”

[Silence - Pause]

“I am not sure. I guess right now, I am getting so much support from you and everything has been flowing powerfully and moving forward. My family supports me. I have found groups on the Internet that support what I am doing. I have found several people who said when I launch they will be ready to make referrals. It just feels so weird to feel unsupported.”

“And?”

“I guess this made me question if this is what I really want to do?”

“OK. Good!”

“Good? It does not feel good so how can it be good?”

“First off, realize that if you were 100 percent sure and certain about what you are doing, she would not have even showed up on your radar. She is only reflecting to you what you were consciously or unconsciously feeling.”

“Ouch!”

[Laughter]
“Yes, Ouch! So, let those feelings that you are having surface and tell me your concerns.”

“I do feel pretty good about what I want to do but it not too many people understand it. And I guess I feel afraid of failure!”

“Of course you do. It is perfectly normal. What I want you to notice is that your interaction with this person helped surface your fear of failure. In my opinion, for coaching you as long as I have, I think this is coming up at the right time. You have done enough to move forward. You can no longer talk yourself out of it and so it comes up.”

“So why is it coming up now?”

“It is coming up now because it is time for you to take the next step.”

“Take the next step? I feel like running away. I am comfortable researching stuff and trying to make sure all the pieces fit together. I do not want to move forward. I am scared.”

“Elizabeth, you have done a lot of that and you will always have more of that to do. Any successful business requires all that.  However, you are a smart, high achieving professional woman and you are suffering from analysis paralysis.”

“Oh!”

“So, first off, let us give a resounding round of applause to your friend as she must really, really love you to help you surface this very real fear of failure.”

“Huh?”

“Yes, thank your friend.”

“OK !OK! Thanks so-called-friend!”

“Also, let us just sit with that feeling of fear of failure. It is a wonderful gift.”

“Gift? You sure do have a weird way of looking at things. I should be fighting it.”

“Well, remember a couple of our primary mantra’s. What you resist persists and the Universe is Friendly! So let us assume that the Universe is friendly. Let us assume that your friend gave you a fantastic gift by allowing you to surface this so you can embrace it and deal with it.”

“Embrace it?”

“Yes, embrace it. Fear of failure is your friend. When you assume that there is value in the feelings of the fear of failure then those feelings help you sense pitfalls.”

“Wait a minute!”

“You see what happens is that we are used to fear of failure paralyzing us. However, that does not need to be the response to fear of failure. How about you trust that those feelings are your friend and ask for its input. Ask yourself a question that will give you a powerful response.”

“OK, like fear of failure, what do you want me to know?”

“Perfect. Now listen.”

[Deep Breathes]

“Ouch Again!”

[Laughter]

“What came up Elizabeth?”

“Stop trying to please everyone and stop trying to be all things to all people as that takes energy away from focusing on my success! Ouch, ouch, ouch!”

“Yummy! So, replay that incident in your mind again. How do you feel about it now?”

[Pause]

“Wow! This is interesting, It is not about her at all. It is about me. I can honestly say I feel profoundly grateful to her. This has just been a distraction.”

“Yes! So, for this week, how would focusing your energy on your business look like?”

Today, your Inner Genius Tip #9 is “Your Feelings Are Your Friend.”

Your Money Mindset?

“Iyabo, that exercise last week was so awesome. I did that exercise every day with a new belief and I was able to dismantle a lot of those beliefs.”

“Yeah? Excellent!”

“Well, the thing is that it made me aware of how often I am thinking these types of thoughts. Well, I realized that I must have some unconscious beliefs.”

“O, really?”

“Well, whenever I brain storm about where I want to be with my business, I enjoy playing with numbers. So I play with: What if my app is $.99 and downloaded a million times a month, that would be a million dollars in a month or close to it. I know it is dorky. But I keep playing the numbers game like that and I find myself staying stuff to myself like, I don’t need to make that much money or Don’t be ridiculous….”

[LOL]

“Elizabeth! I love it. I love it. I love it.”

“Its Dorky!”

“Well, I encourage all my clients to push the limits to understand their money mindset. So this is a great thing.”

“Money mindset?”

“Yes. Your money mindset is like a meter in your brain. Think of it like a thermostat. It is set at a certain point and it stays there. No matter how prosperous your circumstances are, it stays stuck at that point. So, let us say on a scale of one to one hundred thousand, yours is stuck at 50. Let us say 50 means you make 50 thousand dollars a year and if you get a promotion and pay raise, what happens is you end up absorbing that in debt and you never seem to have more.”

“OK. I have never thought of it that way.”

“So no matter what, it is like you are stuck in the 50K model. If you start making much more than that, then you spend it or sabotage it. Somehow, it disappears.”

“Why does that happen?”

“Mostly because of unawareness. Once you are aware of what your money mindset is, you can begin to change it. Many teachers believe that to change it, it must be incremental. For instance, you move from 50 to 60 deliberately and consciously and then to 70. As opposed to jumping from 50 to 5000. I have seen clients make pretty bold leaps so I think it varies for each person.”

“Wow! Ok. So what affects your mindset? What makes it go upwards or downwards?”

“Well, your unconscious beliefs are what affect it dramatically.”

“Like?”

Well, let me use myself for an example.  For instance, when I was growing up, I grew up in a third world country with very corrupt government officials. My parents were clearly educated and had resources but did not believe in ‘conspicuous consumption’ as they called it. They spoke against corrupt officials and lavish displays of money. Well, societal norms in that culture got real wonky when it came to money. People believed that when you are wealthy, you have to help everyone around you. They also closely associated money with power. So when you made a bunch of money, you have to show that you are rich and therefore powerful.”

“Wow! You became aware of all that?”

“Well, when I did the work on my money mindset, I realized that I was not comfortable with true financial wealth. I mean like Bill Gates wealth or Warren Buffet kind of wealth. I do pretty good for myself. I have made quite a bit of money in my time. I have also lost quite a bit of money.”

“Hmmmm….”

“But when I thought of being in place of money being absolutely secondary in my life; where I do not have to work and I only do things that I feel like doing when I feel like doing it, I discovered that I could not get to that fantasy.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, when I would fantasize about that level of money, I would draw a blank. So I journaled about it and kept trying to see myself in that space. Because I could not make it ‘real’ in my life, I realized that I had some blocks and magical thinking of a five year old.”

OK?

“My blocks were:

~Rich people are corrupt and therefore money is bad.
~If you are wealthy, you have to spend it on everyone else so what is the point.
~If you are wealthy, you are power hungry.”

“Wow, how did you get so clear that these were your limiting beliefs?”

“Well, I was not so conscious of it but I did an exercise that helped me realized that as a little kid, say five or six, these were the messages that I got. And when I put myself in the state of a five year old mind, looking out at this intimidating world, with my mom and dad who were huge human beings to me, I realized that I could see current day evidence of those same beliefs in my world.”

“Wow!  So how do I get to those beliefs?”

“Settle into your four or five year old mind. Think of your birthday party when you were that age and think about what was going on in your world and what the beliefs were that your family and primary care providers were feeding you.  So walk around for a few days, tapping into that five year old mind and see what comes up in your world. See what tapes are playing in your mind.”

“Ok.”

“You see, psychology believes that most of your beliefs were formed before you were age six. Think of what a brain is like under age six and how trusting of the information coming in you were. Your brain was not fully formed and you were making conclusions that are still driving your money beliefs today.”

“Wow!”

“Unless you deliberately take the time, effort and energy to unravel the kinks in your money mindset, then you will live out your life unconsciously driven by your six year old.”

“Phew! This is a lot. Thanks Iyabo. I will be definitely journaling about it.”

Today, your Inner Genius Tip #9 is “Be Aware of Your Money Mindset.”